As you guys know, my father did pass away 4 years ago.
Also, I just want give you guys a heads up. He is not my biological dad BUT he raised me since I was a baby and he died when I was 15. My biological dad lives in Haiti and wants nothing to do with me. So my dad that die, may not be my dad by blood but he is my dad and only dad by heart. Even if my biological dad tried to come into my life, I will never consider him as my dad. That’s just how it is.
Anyway dealing with loss, it will happen. When my dad died, I was in shocked. Mentally and emotionally. It was so sudden, I saw him one day then the next day he’s in the hospital on a breathing machine. I couldn’t believe it. I cried so much. Night and day. I was mad at everyone. My mom, my brothers, myself, and God. I kept asking myself “What did I do to deserve this?”, “Is this my fault?”, “Is it my mother’s fault?’. I just couldn’t understand. My dad was my life, my heart. He taught me everything I know, gave me the best advice, raised me like I was his own. I was a daddy’s girl.
I have never actually talked to anyone about my feelings when my dad died. When it happened, I didn’t talk to no one. No family or friends. I continued my life like nothing happen. I still went to school like normally and woke up. I did this because in my family, I’m the backbone. I had to be strong for everyone else. I had to comfort everyone else. I had no one making sure I was okay and no one comforting me. I had to bury my feelings and deal with it. So to finally get all of this out, actually feels good.
I was broken and I still am broken. No one fully gets over a parent dying. I still cry to this day about it late at night because that’s when sad thoughts want to come to you haha. I just feel like I should of said I love you more. I never got a chance to fully say goodbye. During his whole hospital stay, which was like a week, my mom didn’t let me and my brothers go in there at all because she felt like we were too young and it was overwhelming. Also because she didn’t want us to see our dad like that, hooked up to all those machines.
Over the years, I’ve learned to accept it. Accept that he’s not coming back. Accept that this is real life and people die. Instead of dwelling on the sadness, I choose to live off all the happy memories we had together. Those memories make me smile, make me know that he didn’t die with nothing to keep his spirit alive. There are some days where I feel like he’s in the room with me. I have had dreams about him 3 times and one of them was him saying that he loved me. Now me I’m a person who “believes” in things like that, I believe that dead loves ones will communicate with you in your dreams. When I have those dreams, I get the reassurance that I need. The reassurance that my daddy is still here with me.
So I guess my advice to you if you lost someone is: It will be okay. You’re strong and you will get through it. Make sure their “legacy” lives on. Have their spirit live through you. Anything that they taught you, put those skills into use. Any advice that they gave you, spread that wisdom to others. Visit their grave (if they got buried) every chance you get and just talk to them. Even though they’re not talking back, I know their listening. I know when someone dies in the family, you want to comfort others but don’t forget about yourself too. You need comfort too. Your mental and emotional health is crucial in times like this so you don’t want to lose yourself. Talk to someone if you can and don’t bottle up those feelings. Don’t be angry because anger is not a good way to transfer your feelings. Take the anger and instead use that energy to have a talk with God.